#15 :anniversaries

Today is a day that reminds me how messy life can be. 

I have been accused of being unsentimental. I don’t really celebrate anniversaries. 

I especially do not celebrate sad anniversaries. 

Death anniversaries. 
Trauma anniversaries. 
Break-up anniversaries.
Ending anniversaries.
I don’t wanna celebrate. 

However, the one sad anniversary that makes me stop and honor my messy life experience is September 11th. 

I am always reluctant to tell people where I was on 9/11. To completely understate it, it’s a bit of a turd in the swimming pool kind of story. 

I was working in the financial district in 2001.

I had an office that was located in a large building across the street from the World Trade Center.

I can still remember the walk to the office that morning.

It was such a beautiful day.

I was worried about something stupid. A business call that went sideways was running through my head, with differing ideas of how I could spin the situation into a win-win. My coffee was strong. I wore stupid shoes. My bra strap was cutting into my shoulder and I made a mental note to adjust it once I got into the office. I don’t think I ever did.

Remembering these details, I can still smell the deep stinging burn of the air. 

Not just smoke, but jet fuel, building materials, office supplies, the human beings lost. 

I can still access the flood of terror I felt not understanding what was going on around me. I remember on a cellular level the chaos and confusion of the first few hours of that sunny morning. 

I can still touch the fear and deep grief it took me years and years to process.  I suppose in many ways, I am still processing. 

Trauma is messy. It has a long tail….just when you think that you are “healed” something reminds you of how scary the world can be, how fast your life can go from normal to completely unrecognizable.

I still go into a slight panic when I see an aircraft flying too low.

(This is especially unfortunate as I live smack between two helipads for major two hospitals. I have learned to differentiate the sound of a med-flight from a military chopper so I don’t have to duck under things in my own home. This is one example of how my messy, beautiful life goes off the rails sometimes. )

September 11, 2001 changed me forever. It changed the whole world forever. Time is now defined as “before 9/11” and “after 9/11.”

Today, I honor those we all lost that day.

I honor the innocence and purity that was lost that day.

I celebrate that love exists in the darkest of times. I will never forget the kindness of strangers and the feeling of togetherness I felt as a result of this terror.

I celebrate the mess that was left behind. 

The mess that still lingers.

And like all of us who experienced that day, I will never forget.